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The Comparison Trap
A few months ago, I submitted an article to my trail running community, Trail Sisters. It was recently published and I wanted to share here as well.
The Comparison Trap - Trail Sisters
The Comparison Trap: On Using Different Types of Comparison to Inspire and Motivate us.
Coffee and phone in hand, I begin my daily scroll of Instagram, past smiling children, cute puppies, and reminders to care for my mental health. I scroll past women posting about their latest runs and races. They share about the upcoming race they have in Colorado or France. As I continue to scroll, negative thoughts start to creep in: “how did she even have time to train for that ultra? She has like 8 kids. How did she get so fast? I should look at her Strava. Wow, that running gear must have cost an arm and a leg, how can she afford that? What am I doing wrong? What’s the point of even training? I will never run that far/fast/look so good.”
I can imagine we all have struggled with these thoughts. They push us into a dangerous spiral which can challenge our sense of self, who we think we are and what we are capable of in life/running/motherhood. We think to ourselves that we must be doing something wrong or that we are not doing enough. The comparison hits our self-esteem and we put our phone down feeling worse than when we picked it up. These thoughts can be debilitating and derail us and our training completely.
Social comparison has been around practically forever – it is a natural human dynamic. While those before us did not have immediate access to the internet to see what their friends were up to, they too compared themselves to others to evaluate how they were doing in life. We start comparing ourselves to others as early as toddler age and once it starts, there is a struggle to stop.
What if social comparison could benefit us in some way? What if shifting perspective on this comparison game could allow us to experience gratitude and inspiration and maybe even a bit of motivation? What if there was a way to reframe this experience so we could be more hopeful? Social Psychologists have found that comparison can be used two ways to elevate us: upward and downward comparison. Upward comparison is using others we believe are better than us to inspire and motivate us. Downward comparison is when we use others who are less fortunate, even worse off than us, to help us feel better about how we are doing.
For the past few months, I have been training for my second ultra marathon. Training has felt hard and at moments almost impossible. My time to dedicate to train is so limited. I have two kids, run a small business, and support my husband while he trains for ultras as well. I see other moms and professionals hitting these fast times and tackling so many miles a week. I can’t help but think – what kind of time do they have that I don’t? When I found that logging onto Instagram left me feeling sad and defeated and almost throwing in the towel to train, I decided that I had to find a reframe: instead of feeling disappointed that I am not hitting those times or miles, how can I use them as sources of inspiration and motivation? Maybe there is something they can offer me in all the hard work that they have done over the years to get where they are. I also had to pause and acknowledge how we are different. They may have different resources and privilege available to them. Some of these women run for a living and can solely focus on training through the support of a coach or a team. I decided to use these women who I see as more accomplished and successful to move my thoughts upward – to remember that they too had to start from scratch and build miles and find pockets of time in their schedules to get a run done. I have just not gotten there…yet.
I get it. It can be hard to find that shift in mindset; some days it helps and some days it feels impossible to see your friend running 10 miles everyday knowing she has a full time job and 2 kids. Oftentimes, my ability to shift into an upward comparison depends on how I am feeling about myself that day. If I find that myself esteem is low and I am not in a place to see the successes of other women as helpful, I remember that I can try and focus on what a privilege it is to run at all – I use downward comparison. I remember that there are folks struggling significantly more than me with their health and well-being. I have found something that I love doing almost every day while many of my friends are still trying to figure out how they enjoy moving their body. How amazing is it that I have found through trail running that I am more connected to my body, my highest self, and nature. There are so many women out there who will never even have the chance or energy to train and run on a trail. Others may never feel safe to go out into the woods alone. Trail running, this thing I am grumbling about doing – it is a privilege.
Comparing ourselves to others has long been a process we should try and refrain from but if we can learn ways to maximize this thinking then maybe that Instagram scroll can start to be an inspiring and humbling way to get your feet out the door and onto the trails. I know I will never be as fast as Courtney Dauwalter or Sally McRae but watching their interviews and listening to podcasts can get me pumped for my next race. I can steal every nugget of wisdom they offer. It is a privilege to walk out the door in my running shoes and hit the trails without a second thought.
Keep Going...
I submitted this article to my trail running community, Trail Sisters, a few months back. Whle it was not published, I wanted to find a place for it to live. I don’t want to forget about the women who have lost their lives while simply doing an activity that they love.
It is all I can think of right now. How scared she must have been when it happened. If she thought of her children and her husband. If she was able to fight back. The last few nights I have woken up thinking of her and that it could have been me. As I write this, it’s been 3 days since they found Eliza Fletcher’s body. Like so many of us, she was out for a run, for some alone time, time to take care of herself while doing something that she loved. When a colleague told me about Eliza’s death, she also shared that an attempted attack on a woman running in a high traffic area happened minutes away from my downtown office, just that morning. When she shared these stories, I immediately felt anxiety and sadness and fear. What does this mean for our running community? What does this mean to me and the thing I love to do everyday?
I have gone through a series of emotions this week. I am angry. I am so angry that we cannot move through this world freely and without fear of being harmed in some way. That we must carry some device or spray or object to help us fight off a potential attacker. That I must attach some plastic whistle to my running vest so that if something happens, I might have the opportunity to use it and maybe someone will hear me.
I am frustrated, too. I am frustrated because some men in our lives will never understand how it feels to be looking out for questionable people while we are trying to relax and enjoy ourselves amongst the quiet and the trees. They will remind of us the statistics, that the likelihood of us getting harmed is very low. Runner’s World did a survey back in 2017 and found that 43 percent of women at least sometimes experience harassment on the run, just 4 percent of men. They noted that most cases are non-life-threatening. But still…the cat calls, the honks, the stares, the jokes – sometimes it is all just too much. I feel as though I must appease them to ensure my safety and to not upset them. “Smile and laugh, just smile and laugh and keep going.”
I am also sad and tired. I am tired of waking up at night worrying about my own daughter and if she will be able to move about the world in a safe and confident way. I am tired of going over and over the safe and unsafe touch talks with her (and my son) to be sure that she can tell me or her Dad or someone that she is being hurt. I am sad that this will happen again. Maybe to someone I know. Maybe to someone that you know.
Recently, I watched a Youtube documentary that The North Face created about Stephanie Case and her program, Free to Run, for women living in Afghanistan. While in no way are we experiencing that level of risk while out for our runs, I can’t help but think that we have come so far in this country, how are women still experiencing this level of oppression and disrespect? It feels that in the last year our abilities as women to make our own choices continues to be put in jeopardy. What will happen to us next?
Acknowledging these feelings of anger and exhaustion is helpful to me. If I don’t sit with them and explore them and say them out loud then they will continue to take hold of me. These overwhelming feelings could eventually veer me of course from what I need – to run. If I don’t accept them then my chest will continue to feel tight, my heart rate high, and my shoulders hunched. Our bodies carry so much of this stress and fear. What better way to manage these feelings than to get out for a run.
Several of my running girlfriends have also felt this weight. These last few days of mourning our fellow runner friend Eliza, venting with them, and sharing our feelings has been validating to know that they are angry and tired as well. One kind friend offered to be out on the trail with me at the same time even if we are not running together. Another friend sent various ideas for safety. And yet another just simply checked in to see how I am coping with this; she knows how much I love to run.
With a long run coming up this weekend I am working hard to acknowledge these feelings, move through them so that I might find some peace. I must get back out there and not let the senseless tragedies of the world keep me from doing the things that mean the most. I am doing my best to channel the anger and sadness into empowerment and hope. I don’t have the words or vision quite yet to know what this will sound and look like but I do know that I have to keep moving – quite literally and figuratively.
The trail sisters community can be such a wonderful resource of love and support. It is relieving to know that this weekend while I am out on my run, there will be hundreds of other women out there with me too, in spirit. We can silently cheer each other on as we are vulnerable to this scary but beautiful world and to remember Eliza and the Afghan women who will never run again. Laces tied, stretches done, deep breath – let’s go.
Even your therapist gets burned out.
Depleted. Zapped. Exhausted. Burned out.
These are the words that have been circulating in my head for the last few weeks, okay actually months. We are all tired from navigating the pandemic; from vaccines to the delta variant to masks. We are all tired of having to make choices about how to handle ourselves when it comes to these topics. Do I wear a mask into this store even though I am vaccinated? How do I approach my unvaccinated friend who wants to grab lunch? What if I am comfortable with get togethers without masks but my friend isn’t?
The constant swirl of decision making has me burned out. My body even feels physically depleted.
I have realized this feeling of burnout most during sessions. My mind is searching for some sort of helpful feedback to share. Luckily, I have somehow maintained my compassion for my clients, who like me, are burning the candle at both ends. I feel like I am wading through a dark tunnel trying to find my way to the light and I am sure it feels the same for them. Lately, I have left sessions feeling like I have wasted their time and money feeling like I can barely navigate their issues with them. I imagine I am more helpful and empathetic than I think but this is where the burnout really kicks you in the pants. Even when you are doing your absolute best, you still feel like you are failing.
I have been reading a lot lately about burn out and how our culture is seemingly perpetuating this particular issue that knows no bounds, profession, and person. While this issue is not pandemic related, the pandemic has only perpetuated this struggle. What exactly is burnout? The World Health Organization defines it as: “a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterized by three dimensions:
feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one's job; and
reduced professional efficacy. ; it is actually included in the International Classification of Diseases as an Occupational Phenomenon, although it is not actually a medical condition. “
Culturally, the expectation of many of us (all of us, really) is to work and work and work. When you are not working you should be producing something whether that be a hobby or reading or doing a side hustle or cooking or following up on all of those tasks that you have not done in 5 years because you keep putting them off (for me, it’s paint the chipped crown molding in my house, repaint the fireplace, go through my kids’ toys, order Christmas gifts, meal plan… I mean the list goes on and on.)
When will it be enough? How do I stop this out of control train!?
I have worked hard these last few weeks to set boundaries. Boundaries around my time, my energy, and my space. Here are some examples:
1) I ask myself when a friend texts to chat or hangout “Is this how I want to spend my time? How am I valuing this time?
2) What am I looking for when I am haphazardly scrolling instagram? Maybe a text to a friend to connect is better instead.
3) Is my space clean? If I tidy up will that clear my mind or is this a moment that I am needing to exert control and going outside with my kids is a better plan?
Honestly, I am just applying mindfulness to my time and how I am choosing to spend it. Time in a sense, needs to have a budget because we only have so much and at some point we can go in the red. I am thinking about my time more like a bank account. If I spent this time here with this friend or client then I don’t have this time left for family. if I choose to spend my quiet morning time scrolling instagram (anyone sensing a pattern here!?) then I won’t get to have those minutes to meditate. See the pattern here?
Obviously this is a total work in progress but just being more proactive is the best first step to managing my burnout and stress. Sharing with my friends about my struggles and feeling validated and loved is helpful as well as journaling about what I am experiencing has been really helpful, too. Best of luck on your own burnout to joy path…
Finding a safe place.
I can feel the water quickly move over my toes and up to my ankles as I breathe in. It’s a bit cold but feels nice on my hot and sandy feet. My toes sink into the wet sand leaving an imprint on the sand floor. The water recedes as I breathe out. I hear the waves rolling in and out, in and out. I hear a faint song from a seagull probably looking for a lost goldfish or discarded sandwich. I can smell the salty air as it moves through my nose to fill my lungs. The sun beats down on my face bringing more warmth to my body. My hair sweaty and salty from the heat and sea.
Does this sound relaxing and soothing? It is where I go when I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious. For many years now, I have brought the ocean and the waves to mind when feeling stressed. As I breathe in I imagine the waves rolling in and as I breathe out, the waves move out as well.
Bringing a safe and soothing place to your mind in times of stress is called safe place imagery. When we bring soothing images into our mind during moments of stress, it allows a healthy moment of distraction and may even allow us to feel a bit less overwhelmed. It may slow our heart rate and slow the release of the blood and stress hormones moving about our body.
What do you think your safe place would be? The warmth of a summer day? Laying under the trees with a cool breeze? Maybe even standing at the top of a mountain with your arms spread above you rejoicing in the glory of nature? Pause for a moment and find your safe place. Try bringing in all the 5 senses (images, smell, taste, sounds, sensations). If something negative comes to mind, gently push it out and continue to build your safe place. You can get as creative and detailed as you like! It’s your safe place after all. Next time you are stressed, try and find that place for a moment of calm.
Image Credit: Unsplash/Frank McKenna (@frankiefoto)
A quick check in with your body.
(obviously you can’t read with your eyes closed so read through this a few times before softening your gaze or closing your eyes)
Pause. Slowly place your hand on your heart. Notice. Listen. Soften your gaze. Focus within.
What do you feel? Can you feel warmth in your heart? Can you feel the beating of it?
Notice how it feels to feel your heart beating in your chest. Your heart is working. It is supporting you.
Send warmth and love to yourself. Repeat, I am all I need. I am worthy. I was born worthy.
Open your eyes. Breathe in and expand your chest and tummy.
Feel the breath move through you. Feel the the breath move out of you.
Rinse and Repeat.
(Feel free to replace your heart with your hand or your tummy…whatever part of you is needing support and love in this moment)
photo credit: Unsplace/Roman Craft @romancraft
“It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.”- Dumbledore
I found this gem of a post hidden in my drafts…it was written two years ago almost to the day that I publish it. These words and ideas still ring very true. Clearly I had no idea what 2020 would bring us…a year of turmoil from the coronavirus, the important black lives matter protests and movement, election stress, and being isolated more than ever before. As you reflect on the journey of 2021 and what it can hold, maybe you have more choices than you think? Maybe you will finally begin to speak to yourself in a kind way. Maybe you will finally decide to set boundaries with your family. Whatever it is, start somewhere. All you have to do is begin…again and again and again.
"You are what you repeatedly do" said Aristotle and I think it's a great thought for us to hold close. When we don't know what to do next, sometimes this can be a reminder that whatever choice we make does and can have implications that last more than a second. Maybe you are trying to get out of that unhealthy relationship or want to quit smoking. In the Harry Potter Series, Albus Dumbledore was a source of inspiration, education, and mentoring for his teachers and students. Our choices are what make us...we may have goals and motivations and really cool ideas about how we want to live, but what we do everyday, the choices we make, is what will be our reality. Now I am not saying that this is always easy. Absolutely it is not, especially if it comes down to some negative core beliefs we are holding onto or a history of trauma, but it can also be a reminder that we DO have choices. That history does not always get to define us.
Being proactive about what we want and setting clear goals and ways to achieve really are the first steps in finding a life that you love. In a recent training I completed for supervising other LPCs, they stated that it is helpful to set Positive, Meaningful, Specific, and Small goals in training; this definitely can be used in our everyday lives, too. We can always ALWAYS dream big, but it is also important to have a starting off point.
With the start of a new year, I have chosen Intentional as my word of the year. Most importantly, I want to be intentional with my time. If I plan for what my days look like, have a clear schedule for my time, meaning I am proactively and intentionally deciding where my time goes, I hope to spend less of it checking Instagram and fashion blogs. I hope to spend more time reading (both pleasure and professional books) as well as putting my phone down and being with my family.
https://medium.com/personal-growth/tell-me-what-you-did-today-and-ill-tell-you-who-you-are-6243bd969ef6
The light at the end of the tunnel...
When will this end? Will we find relief soon? How much longer will we have to live like this? I don’t know if I can keep on living like this.
These are all sentiments I have heard from clients and that I have undoubtedly said to myself over the course of the last 9 months. I am exhausted. I want to quit some days and hide in my room. Some days are better than others but some days are just plain tough.
Several months ago I read an article from the online website Elemental about making it through this disaster (https://elemental.medium.com/your-surge-capacity-is-depleted-it-s-why-you-feel-awful-de285d542f4c) The Coronavirus pandemic feels quite different from other disasters, like a tornado or a fire, because there is a light at the end of the tunnel when things are cleaned up and we can actively put our lives back together. But with this virus, we have no end in sight. The article quotes Dr. Ann Master, a child development researcher and professor at the University of Minnesota.
“I think we maybe underestimate how severe the adversity is and that people may be experiencing a normal reaction to a pretty severe and ongoing, unfolding, cascading disaster,” Masten says. “It’s important to recognize that it’s normal in a situation of great uncertainty and chronic stress to get exhausted and to feel ups and downs, to feel like you’re depleted or experience periods of burnout.”
The effects are rippling; from schools to work to how we see our families. While there is a vaccine in the works, I don't know how quickly it will provide relief to the shuttering restaurants and businesses locally. Not having this light at the end of the tunnel feels much heavier because we are not sure how to manage and expend energy as much move through the days and months of quarantine.
The constant support and validation of all types of responses to this disaster is important. I also need to remind myself that my own sadness, isolation, and struggles are normal as well. Everyone is experiencing this in their own and unique way and that is okay.
One reminder I like to share is that we have never had to deal with a worldwide emergency like this before so of course we don’t know how to respond. Of course it is okay to feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and needing to find some solace somewhere, anywhere. How do we know if it is okay to date during this time? Meet a friend for coffee or only feel comfortable to meet via Zoom? We all have different levels of comfort and how much we are willing to take the risk of exposure and that is okay. For some it is none while others it is okay to meet outside for a socially distanced coffee.
Leaving the judgement behind and accepting that we are all responding differently is very important. I think that will help us individually to lessen our sense of anxiety and frustration with this whole thing.
One thing I know for sure when it comes to this part of our lives is that I will keep moving forward, seeing clients through a screen, and finding ways to keep pushing even though there may be no end in sight. I must do that for myself and my family, and I will do that for each and every one of my clients.
With love,
Lindsey
Counseling during a Pandemic
I think I have subconsciously been putting off the task of writing down my thoughts and feelings about counseling during quarantine and Covid for many months. My feelings have become such an ebb and flow that I don’t always know from day to day how I will feel. I read the other day that this is a time like no other for counselors and clients; never in my experience as a therapist am I also dealing with the same concerns and worries as my clients.
One thing that comes up frequently during sessions with clients and with myself is grief over the things that have had to be cancelled, grief over the loss of normalcy, grief over what could have been. I have had friends cancel weddings, my 7 year old son asking me why he must wear a mask or can’t do his favorite activity. I am grieving the loss of not being able to see my parents as much as I want and having to cancel a trip to a country I have never been. While those are certainly in a sense frivolous and unimportant compared to the loss of life, it is still okay to grieve the lost experiences we were expecting to have this year.
Another big shift has been to seeing clients only through video or via phone. I thrive being in the same room as my clients so that I can sense their energy and feel like I have a better understanding of the experience and feelings they are describing.
This year, more than ever before, I have cried with my clients because I understand the struggles they are experiencing to understand this virus and how it has impacted us so deeply. Most of all, what I have learned from this experience is that we are in this together. We can be angry together, anxious about what is to come, and hopeful that things can feel okay again. The brave faces that my clients have put on to forge through this is admirable and inspiring. I hope that I can only be half as strong as them as we face this struggle together.
I love this picture below. Blue skies and calm water. A reminder that we can always come back to Nature to find resolve and peace.
7 reasons why I love my work...
Days are long. Reimbursement rates from insurance are not always great. I have a lot of paperwork to keep up with on a daily basis. My days can be unpredictable. When my kids are sick I have to cancel and likely lose money. My income is unpredictable. I can’t really talk about the details of my work with friends or my husband. Sometimes my job is isolating. But it is worth it. Here are some of the reasons why I love what I do:
1) I get to have a unique relationship with many interesting, fascinating and inspiring people. People share their stories with me. Stories that are so deeply personal and touching. I am honored that people feel safe enough to share their stories with me.
2) I get to witness my clients doing so much of their own personal work while simultaneously being inspired to focus on my own personal growth as well. It was not until I got into private practice that I realized how important self care is. I began meditating, doing more yoga, running frequently, and realizing that self care is the most unselfish thing I can do not only as a parent, wife, and friend but also as a therapist. If I am asking my clients to spend time taking care of themselves, I need to model that to them as well.
3) Clients share their triumphs, too…On more than on occasion since being in practice, client’s have followed up after being discharged or having moved away to share how they are doing. They share that they got into college or managed the big transition to another city. They make appointments to just check in and let me know that they are doing alright.
4) I love being in flow with people…sometimes during a session, the client and I can find ourselves in such a beautiful flow of energy exchange in breaking down a trouble spot or exploring their maladaptive patterns. It is rewarding and beautiful.
5) It is important to me to show another human that I care about them, hear them, see them, and value them.
6) I love the “aha” moments.” To watch a client make a connection, to finally sit in the deep hurt they have never sat in, to be able to share their most traumatic memory - and then to see them do all those things and be okay (or not) is endearing to watch. It is really neat to be in that room with them when they can finally have some insight into something that has been hurting them for so long. I love watching clients get to those points in therapy.
7) Seeing client’s growth! I love being able to point out to a client how 6 months ago they may have responded in a way that did not feel authentic to them but as they tell me how they responded in present day - it’s great to be able to point out their progress in shifting their dynamics and patterns in relation to themselves and others.
My work is not always pretty. I cry with my clients sometimes. I am sad with them. I laugh with them. I am human with them. I hope they can feel my warmth and care for them. Being a human is tough and being a human carrying around hurt is even harder. I hope my work as a therapist allows to them find even just one day of feeling unburdened and as though someone values their life.
Lindsey
Does your therapist see a therapist?
I go to therapy. Every other week I sit in my therapists’s chair revisiting my most recent struggles, challenging myself in really difficult ways, and experiencing shame through tears, anger, and not always telling the whole truth because…what if she judges me, right? I have those thoughts about my therapist, too!
I go to therapy just like you and likely experience the exact same feelings you do when you are in my therapy room. “Oh my goodness she will certainly never see me the same again.” “I bet she has never done this before?” “I can’t believe I am about to say this out loud.” “She will not believe me.” “How can I tell her that I messed up…again.” I have those same thoughts almost every time I am in my own session.
I go to therapy for the following reasons:
1) I, too, have dealt with overwhelming life events that have left me questioning life and how I will pull through.
2) Because…self care.
3) I love the phrase “Do as I say, not as I do.” If I am asking you to work hard in therapy, be vulnerable with me, complete homework to challenge new ways of living, having hard conversations, etc. then I am going to do it, too. If I am not modeling self care and ensuring that I am my best for you then how on earth can I challenge to you do hard things?
4) I am human. Yep, just because I have fancy letters behind my name and can sit quietly with you and offer guidance in your journey does not mean that I am in an ivory tower and my life is perfect. Far from it.
Going to therapy not only serves me personally, but it constantly reminds me of the way that my clients show up with me each week and how hard and exhausting it is. So, thanks for coming to therapy because I really do know how hard it is to get here sometimes.
Series: How to breathe part 2
Now that you know how to breathe, ha, let’s talk about one breathing skill that you could use in the midst of a stressful time or event. Box breathing or the square breathe is often a good place to start. Imagine or visualize a box or square in your mind. Begin to breathe in for 4 counts or beats as you move across the top of the square. Slowly exhale for 4 beats as you move down the side of the square. Inhale for 4 beats as you move across the bottom of the square and then exhale again for 4 beats as you move up the last edge of the square. See the video for more details and information …
*Disclaimer - Please always take care of yourself as you learn new coping skills. Sometimes, skills can be triggering, particularly breath work, so please practice and use these at your discretion. If you have a therapist, please consult with them on these techniques.
Series: How to breathe
What a dumb series you might say! Why is she talking about this? Of course I know how to breathe!
Well sure you do, but is it an effective breathe? Are you breathing to really benefit your mind and body? In this first video series, we will delve into the breathe as a tool for coping. Check out the video on my YouTube channel. Link below:
Thanks for taking the time to check out this post and support me.
Lindsey
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Series: What is self care?
It has been a long time since I have taken the time to sit down and write a blog post. I think I do this more for myself sometimes because it is a moment to reflect on a topic that I have been exploring. This morning, my best friend sent me an article about self care (linked below). She and I have an awesome set up in which we help hold each other accountable, check in about our financial and professional goals, and just generally remind each other that we are worthy of love and connection. One thing we talk about frequently is self care and what that means for us individually.
So, what exactly is self care? Self care is, according to Google, “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” Culturally, we have been shown that self care is bubble baths, drinking wine, eating chocolate while laying in bed watching Netflix, and just generally indulging in whatever we want because #treatyoself.
I disagree with these sentiments and find that they can be misleading and actually counteractive to good health. What i want to teach myself, my kids, and especially my dear clients is that self care is prioritizing basic needs like getting enough rest, declining the second drink at the party, making a healthy choice over an indulgent one, and even choosing to remove yourself from an unhealthy relationship. Self care is about setting boundaries with yourself so that you can appropriately love and care for yourself while also being able to love and care for others at the same time.
Self care needs to be a priority EVERY SINGLE DAY! Self care is not an option but a discipline. It is not an indulgence but simply finding what is important and essential to our overall health. What are your self care goals? Mine include moving my body every day either through running or yoga or simply stretching after a long day of sessions. I choose to eat mindfully and healthfully (most of the time!), and try my hardest to have healthy boundaries with work. It is not always easy for sure but when I am prioritizing me, I often find that I can take care of others more thoughtfully and that it sustains my work as a counselor.
Link to article: https://www.forbes.com/sites/tamiforman/2017/12/13/self-care-is-not-an-indulgence-its-a-discipline/#56cee5eefee0
Yoga Teacher Training begins!
It’s 7am and I’m flustered. My mind is frazzled and all I can think about is the journey I’m about to begin at 9am. I’m about to begin a 5 month Yoga Teacher Training!
For the past several years, Yoga has become a vital part of my self care. Not just as a way to work out my body but also a way to settle my busy and anxious mind. In the last few years, I have been reading how effective yoga can be as an adjunct treatment for anxiety, depression, and trauma. As a mental health counselor, I knew that I wanted to be someone to share this knowledge and important work with others. My love for my yoga practice would be a way to help others heal and this was so exciting for me.
While I love the work I do in my private office space, sometimes it’s nice to have a change of pace and environment so incorporating yoga into my practice seems like a great way to expand my skills. The craziest thing about this journey is that I have no idea how this will manifest in the coming months. I don’t have a planned space to teach yoga, I don’t have a particular class planned out, but I trust that along the way I will find the connections, the space, and the focus to figure all of this out!
I look forward to writing more about this in the coming weeks!
Obviously this is not me! Just a little free stock photo! (from Pexels.com)
Hi! Hello!
Welcome! I don’t think I have ever formally introduced myself on the blog and with a few minutes on my hands, I thought it would be a nice break from paperwork to check in. I don’t blog often and I am not sure if anyone actually reads these, anyway!
I grew up in a small town in Georgia (near Atlanta!) and loved moving to a bigger town for college, Athens, GA. Athens was eccentric and a great change from the small southern town I grew up in. After graduating with a degree in Psychology, I honestly had no idea what I wanted to do. I ended up with an internship at a treatment facility for young males and learned a ton. This experience segued me into a job in Chattanooga working in the homes of at risk kids. It was a super enriching experience but I often felt like I did not have enough skills to be effective so off I went to graduate school.
Graduate school was great because it was a small and intimate program and I really got to know my professors and colleagues. After interning at a community mental health center, I joined Parkridge Valley Hospital as direct care staff and then as a therapist. There, I worked with the most at risk population of kids in DCS custody.
After getting engaged and moving to Knoxville, I spent time working at a foster care agency and was able to really delve into learning about trauma and its affects on our brains and our bodies.
Now that I am in private practice, I get to meet and know the most amazing group of people. I am grateful that people feel comfortable sharing their story with me and feel safe enough to express themselves so deeply. I absolutely do not take my job lightly and work hard to build deep and meaningful relationships with all of my clients.
Seeing clients and watching them grow, through college or marriages or parenthood, is an absolute joy and I feel so honored to be a part of their healing journey.
One thing I am very excited about this next year, is that I will be starting a Yoga Teacher Training. I am stoked to being to incorporate Yoga and concepts of Yoga into my daily practice. My big dream is to teach Yoga classes that focus on our minds just as much as our bodies.
My family is very special to me and I enjoy sharing about them as well. I have a 5 year old son and an almost one year old daughter. I am so proud to be their Mom. My husband is pretty awesome, too. He is an ultra marathoner and is training for his first 100K!
I hope to meet you soon and be a part of your journey to healing. I look forward to hearing from you!
Lindsey
Series: What is self harm?
Self harm can be a confusing topic and I am here to explain some of the details about what self harm is and what it isn’t. Self harm is defined as an intentional action that induces pain and/or breaks the skin. There can be two types of self harm - direct and indirect. Indirect can be risky behaviors, substance abuse or generally long term repeated behaviors that cause harm. Direct self harm is cutting, scratching, burning, hitting self, etc.
I think it is important to note that self harm is not about wanting to die - it is often a way to manage the pain and sadness one is feeling. There is often a root or catalyst to why the self harm is occurring and that is why therapy can be helpful. Therapy can get to that root and help the client to learn why the self harm is happening and find other ways to cope with the distress.
Self harm can create shame within an individual which is why it is often done in places that can be covered with clothing. When asking your friend, child, or partner about their self harm, it is extremely important to be mindful of not shaming them about their actions. Allowing them a safe space to discuss what is going on is much more helpful. Ask them about what is going on in their lives that is causing this desire to cut can be the key to understanding their behavior.
Harming the body serves a purpose; it often relieves the feeling of experiencing too much emotion, it can ground oneself into their body, it can be a distraction from emotional pain, and sometimes it helps to get needs met that may be neglected.
Why should they one stop self harming? There are many reasons, but here are a few from Bess Child, LICSW who specializes in self harm: 1) Eventually self harm stops working as well and one may have to continually increase the intensity and frequency of it 2) repeated self harm can increase suicidality in the future 3) Do you want your partner to know about this? Can you have a life worth living with this in the shadows? 4) If you become intimate with a partner how will that be for you with scars or abrasions on your body?
While self harm serves a purpose, at the end of the day it is a scary and unsafe coping mechanism. Helping others begin to talk about can absolutely release the stigma and shame around it which may eventually encourage others to find healthier and safer long term healing and coping mechanisms.
Series: What is it?
I am excited to start a new series over on the blog called "What is it?" This series will focus on different areas/topics of mental health, life changing events, symptoms, etc. that can help us understand our own and others' daily struggles.
Let's start with a topic that has been in the news frequently and will inevitably pop up for some as we begin a new school year: sexual assault. Here is the definition of sexual assault as proposed by the Centers for Disease Control: The use of physical force to compel a person to engage in a sexual act against his or her own will, whether or not the act is completed; an attempted or completed sex act involving a person who is unable to understand the nature or condition of the act, to decline participation, or to communicate unwillingness to engage in the sexual act (e.g. because of illness, disability, or the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or due to intimidation or pressure); and/or abusive sexual contact."
Culturally, we are often misguided about what sexual assault actually is. On college campuses, assault often happens within the context of drinking. Due to this, I believe that many victims feel intense shame because they were engaging in a risky behavior, creating the idea that they got themselves in this mess. We are often told or others imply that the victim could have done something to prevent what happened (i.e. dressed differently or not been wasted) and it is their fault. I think the above definition is helpful because it points out that the person/victim is unable to understand the nature of the act and that they may be unable to communicate their unwillingness because they were drunk or high. Such a depth of shame is created when the victims are told that that it is their fault.
Shame keeps us silent so when we are told that we could have prevented it, we put our heads down and push through the day. Carrying around this burden and this shame causes us to experience an increase in anxiety, depression, and wrecks our ability to feel safe and connected to others.
According to RAINN, the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization, someone is sexually assaulted every 98 seconds. Only 6/1000 perpetrators actually end up going to prison for what they have done. Only 310/1000 assaults are actually reported, that's 2/3 of women that do not report that something horrifying has happened to them.
Healing from a trauma such as sexual assault takes time. There is no timetable for healing and getting help is the best step in making that healing happen. The local sexual assault center has fantastic resources that are confidential and understanding. If you are scared to reach out to a professional, find a safe person to talk to about what has happened to you. Sharing with someone what has happened can decrease the shame and set you on the path to healing.
How to be with Stressful Moments
Not all stress is bad, right? Yes, not all of it is bad. Culturally, we are told that stress is bad and we should avoid it all costs. Of course chronic stress is whole other issue but let's talk about daily minor stresses. We often want to turn away from this stress and feel more at ease. Maybe you take some deep breaths and distract yourself from the stressor or go into a mediation practice to focus on gratitude. While these acts are positive and well intentioned, what if you sat with the stress and listened for what it was saying to you?
We can use stress to find our way back to the present moment - to simply Notice. Notice the change in your heart beat, the tension in your muscles, or the feelings in your tummy. Let the stress bring you back to your present internal experience. Practice shifting into that non judgmental awareness.
A great article from Mindful.org reminds us to Notice the state we are in (notice what are you are trying avoid), Shift by reminding yourself that "stress is not bad" and then Rewire by facing the stressors head on, by staying with whatever arises.
The more that we turn away from stress and and avoid it, the more we lessen our ability to effectively navigate it. Practice makes perfect, right? Can you imagine a world in which you are good at managing your stress? It's possible. Just NOTICE, SHIFT, and REWIRE. (And don't forget to breath)
https://www.mindful.org/being-with-stressful-moments/
Being a resilient parent
Day in and day out it's the same monotonous routine and stream of craziness. Fill the milk cup. Daycare drop off. Snuggles. Wasted food. Angry tantrums. Healing hugs and kisses. Frustrating notes from the teacher.
Parents around the world experience the daily stress of the daily grind. While parenting has its overwhelming joys and full hearts, there is also room for frustration and nostalgia. I remember when my first born arrived and even now with my second, I longed for days without having to worry about who was picking up from daycare, if I could sneak away for a few minutes with some friends for a weekend, or even if I would have to cancel that meeting because a child was sick at school. Gone are the days of impromptu brunches and lunches. And you know what? That is okay. It is also okay to yearn for those free moments.
Being a resilient parent that gets through the daily grind and remains focused and fresh takes alot. ALOT! After reading an article from Mindful.Org, I was inspired to take a moment to note what I do (sometimes) to hang on through the tough days.
1) Wake up early. Yes, you don't want to hear that but it's true. Those few moments in the morning when you can gaze at your sleeping little one and also have some moments to breath can make all the difference in the world. I never liked being startled awake by my son. I enjoy deciding when I wake up as opposed to him.
2) Meal Plan and meal prep every Sunday (or whatever day works for you). This is super ideal if you want some control and less chaos come later afternoon when we all get hungry and are tired of deciding what's for dinner.
3) Ask for HELP. It's okay not to be a martyr. We all know it takes a village to raise our kiddos. Ask for a babysitter, communicate with your husband about what you need, and don't feel guilty about sending them to daycare even if you have a day off. Use that time to catch up on self care or even just cleaning the house!
4) Check in with your thoughts to make sure the they are helpful and accurate. Our thoughts are EVERYTHING and if we are not aware of them then they could be contributing to our exhaustion. Try this quick check in acronym STOP: Stop what you are doing, Take a deep breathe, Observe your thoughts/feelings, and Proceed with compassion (or whatever you need in that moment - patience, humor, new perspective).
5) Move your body. Even if you just have a moment to stretch and touch your toes or simply raise your arms in the air, moving your body can be important and letting go of some of the stress you are holding within your body. You can search the internet for quick stretches or a yoga flow or series of poses for stress relief.
The load that you carry is unending and overwhelming. While you may never balance all of the above, taking a few deep breaths each day to recognize the load you are carrying can be the difference between burn out and patience. We take care of others almost every moment of our day so don't forget the importance of taking care of yourself.